What version are we on?
Excuse me, intern, can you check something, please? Do I have the latest rewrites? Did you get me today’s pages? I can never tell anymore… this wasn’t the script I prepared for today. Where’s the progression?
I’m just gonna go home & go back to bed, call me when those are ready…m’kay? Thanks and I’ll also have a white chocolate mocha no whip double shot with almond milk with that, please. Please and thank you.
Geez.
So yeah ok we all know “it” never goes according to plan. That can be anywhere from just the way the drive goes to something major, like the time you planned on spending with a friend or anything in between.
So without rehashing the last 3 weeks, I’ll just let it suffice to say that until Friday and Saturday of this week I have felt pretty low no matter how much I’ve tried to pull out of “it”, and that “it” was the passing of my favorite dog, Fergie. You can never gauge how much time it will take for the grieving process to play out or get over it’s hardest phases. And even though I have helped dozens deal with pet loss and grief, providing information and even an ear from time to time, the last thing in the world I could do was follow my own advice. It is okay to grieve, and no one can tell you what the progression of that grief should be or how long it takes. It is a human experience different unto each and every one of us as unique as our identifies. But you must feel it, experience it, and take from it what it is intended for, and again, that is progression.
I will say that it just had to run its course among the regular things of life…and it nearly became overload a few times in that period. So it was definitely something to examine. For someone like me, the worst thing about experiencing strong emotions and events like the passing of a close friend, or in this case especially, a very close companion like Fergie, is a double-edged sword. Not only can it cause a huge wave of emotional stress and potentially trigger an episode of either mania or depression, but it also causes a huge amount of self-scrutiny on every action. Every emotion requires examination – and also seemingly receives it – from those around me and not too far away. Those who know and those who “think” they know what I’m experiencing suddenly seem different in actions toward me and that is very sad to me.
It shows me sometimes that there are people who still believe in stigma and don’t release incorrect images or thoughts or ideas. Not all of course and this is generalizing but it is still somewhat sad. It’s sad to me because I’ve tried to show the stigmas and the stereotypes are all wrong and need to be reversed.
But the worst part is that not only did the stigmas actually become noticeable they AFFECTED me and it was not something I noticed until it happened. I found myself allowing one of the basic human rights which I feel everyone is entitled to be ignored. That is the one feeling that you should NEVER apologize for being yourself.
I was beginning to feel that I was wrong, somehow, for feeling the sadness I felt as long as I felt it. I felt that because I couldn’t find the gears to get back in motion…somehow I was doing everything wrong, and failing myself, and therefore others around me. I couldn’t function again. I told a friend that I felt like I was going through the motions….but nothing mattered. In all actuality, I just had to get it allllllll out… I am not someone who can bottle up my emotions or NOT let them out – trust me it’s not good for anyone around me or myself… because to do that is the exact opposite of being true to myself…. and if I am going to be who I say I am and who I want to keep representing as to others, then that is the thing I must do…
So I must continue standing forward, speaking my truths, and being myself; the one missing thing is getting back to spirituality and where that had healed me, along with good personal physical health efforts. That starts now.
Regardless of what version this is, I must get back to being me.