It’s been a good while since I posted a blog post of any type, and there’s a good deal to cover here so I thought it might be the best place to do some “Catching Up”, and say “Happy New Year” in the process. So, Happy New Year 2023! I hope it is already going well for you!
There was a meme that was circulated a few days ago showing Danny Trejo’s face on Jennifer Lopez’s upper body that said “2022 was really hard on a lot of us.” It was pretty funny, but it was also very true. In fact, the last few years have done a number on all of us, some to different and varying extents. I know for me, with the first 3 months of Covid-19 being the last 3 months of school, the coming changes were hinted at. My career choices from my education suddenly became nearly non-existent, live music was done for, even karaoke, at least for the immediate, and it’s been an ongoing struggle since then for a variety of reasons. Of course, that was also right after the hit & run that totaled my Toyota, basically forcing me into buying a new car with a $500+/month car payment that I really wasn’t prepared to take on.
Combining the money stresses and loss of performing opportunities and the world issues with Covid, the worries of possibly catching that (I haven’t!) and the unknowns really started chipping away at the walls of strength I’d built up over the previous years and by the time 2022 was wrapping up, it hit me several times that each wallop packed a harder punch; to the point where it felt like all the hard work I’d done in repairing myself was just null & void, and the all too familiar feelings of worthlessness, not believing in my own abilities musically anymore, doubting everything I tried, and then trying to satisfy OTHERS expectations (or my perceptions of those others) by going to find “regular work” only to lose both of those attempts because I chose poorly simply by doing things I knew inside were not going to work… by the time Thanksgiving got here, I was about to jump into a full-blown episode – something I’d avoided well for about 5 years. Long story short, I was able to bypass that by paying attention to my triggers.
It’s most definitely for the best because what came immediately after has had an incredible “rebounding” effect, but only because I’ve now been able to step back and see the lessons that life keeps trying to teach me.
In a nutshell, it seemed like I almost had an out-of-body experience by simply being empathetic and paying attention to everything going on with those around me.
In the turn of a month’s time, there has been nearly a daily report of the passing of a pet, a relative of a friend, a sibling, and the near loss of one of our own pets on New Year’s Eve, followed by a miraculous recovery, all accompanied by increases to “found knowledge” for me in my home recording techniques – seriously, the revelation of something so simple that I was not paying attention to while recording in my processes – it’s not only shortened my album completion time but also created new work to go back and repair a few things – (more on that later) but if anything, the evidence that the “circle of life” is constantly in flow, no question about that.
Within days of a string of losses by those around me, I was able to experience the joy of my nephew’s first son (his 2nd child) and it became crystal clear to me that we are always an ongoing energy in this world. I’ve been having issues over the last few years with the concept of personal insignificance in this world, something I fear. I don’t want to have lived through what I’ve lived and survived through and not make my mark on this journey. It’s not a selfish thing – it’s not a narcissistic thing in the least – something else I also worry about – but I know that’s not my case. I sometimes care for others that I don’t even KNOW before I will attend to my own issues. I just want to share what I’ve lived through and help others who I know have done the same thing.
About the album – I’ve talked before about what’s delayed the efforts, but the BIGGEST part of that is because of the lyrics. . They are the most difficult part of this project because I cannot allow these songs to not be “perfect’ in their structure, what they say, what they mean. And, ironically, the title track “Worth The Wait”, the last song on the album, was written 30 years ago but with lyrics that cheapened it to something that now I KNOW needs to be a statement.
And with the events happening over the last few days, I was able to see that I fell victim to the worst thing an artist can: Self-doubt, lack of focus, and the feeling of being lost in something you have no right to be doing, and I suddenly snapped out of it in a major way – with the events creating just the exact right spark that helped the correct lyrics to Worth The Wait finally come. I can’t wait for you to hear it – because you will understand too.
There are some who will read this post from a different angle, unfortunately, and think I’m speaking of my successes or forward movements at a time when others are hurting. Years ago, when online voting became a fairly common part of music contests and such, I happened to belong to a rather large online music platform that had a contest going on, and the posts were automatic; sent from the platform’s system and not individually by the contestants. One just happened to go out on the same day Hurricane Katrina hit and caused such huge devastation. I received a rather ugly and nasty post online, publicly, from someone who, up to that time, had been an acquaintance, a good one, at that, and one that I trusted as a friend – blasting me for posting something about a music contest when so many people were being swept away, feeling apparent that their public chastising of me placed them in a superior position, and of course, if THEY felt like they were correct, then they were speaking for others. I didn’t realize at the time that action was the start of something that’s become common in society – the practice of making or attempting to make someone “look bad” in the face of others as a way of shifting the attention light off of their own problems and focusing the “ill” on another…and it was very sad. I was fortunate that people I’d known much longer than that acquaintance quickly responded – also publicly – to that post. They did so not knowing even that the post was sent automatically, but with the knowledge that there’s pretty much nothing I want to do more in life than sing. I spent years correcting bad karma decisions from my youth, but that was a lifetime ago, and I’ve reached out to those who possibly may have fallen into the face of my own hurricane. Some responded, some didn’t and that’s okay. I did what was right in attempting to correct my path, and I did, and I will no longer apologize for still kicking up dirt behind my boots, attempting to reach my dreams, and being who I believe the universe wants me to be. I also don’t think that those who are leaving us now or who have gone before would want “me”, if they really knew “me”, to do anything else.
Everyone’s lives are seen 1st in their own perspectives, and that makes everything relevant to them in a different way. It is those that have an open, kind, and giving heart to realize that someone can still pursue something so important to them without any loss of compassion and caring for those who have touched their lives. Tell me, when did you last let someone take the clouds out of your sky and stomp on them when that was all you had to hold onto? I view most people as pretty strong and resilient, and while I used to be a person who would tear up a waiter for bad service, that’s a “me” that no longer exists. But I much more respect the man I’ve grown into for knowing what I want and continuing to strive to get there, to improve my skills, craft, and present creations of sound that I’m proud of and that express me as a person than someone who displays/feels superior, expects others to only act as they act, and then judges them on a rule book the judged doesn’t ever see or get a chance to read. Does that make sense? We can all grow together, not knock each other over on the way to the finish line like there’s a reward for being an asshole. And it’s okay to toot your own horn – because trust me, it’ll be rare for others to toot yours unless they want something or expect something immediately in return.
The writing on this picture is something I came up with in my head this morning.
Basically, I’m saying here that you need to stay observant of the lives around you, the losses and gains that they go through, and celebrate the successes and joys that those people have, for their successes do not detract from yours. Be proud of your talents and just go with the natural and unforced flow of events and you’ll be fine – and by doing so, the best art you have ever created will show itself unbounded. Trust me.
Don’t wait so long that you start questioning your heart and doubting yourself. Those feelings are creative killers. And your art, no matter what it is – music, film, cooking, accounting, anything… – anything you create brings something into the world that wasn’t there before, so make it count. “Be the light you are intended to be, and shine a beacon to light the way for others.” Don’t let anyone make you feel like you shouldn’t be YOU.
And that’s it.
“Catching Up” – Suddenly with this realization and shift of mentality, I submitted again to a few acting gigs through the casting sights, and one, a major commercial, was sent back within 24 hours with a media request/audition request from me. I haven’t heard yet but it films in a few weeks and could be a huge game changer. And I didn’t blurb all about it on social media this time; something I have always done. I ALSO – the day after finishing that audition – had my 5th audition with America’s Got Talent, and had possibly one of the best auditions I’d ever had. If I’m to move on, I’ll know in the next few weeks. These things occurred with the observation of life around me, patience, and most of all, a renewed belief in myself that I am doing what the universe wants me to do. And that is the simple answer.